Rant9's Playoff Predictions so far:
Jesse Ulrich: (5-1)
Chad Holmes: (5-1)
Tyler Dawson: (3-3)
Jeremy Lippiatt: (3-3)
Jake Sutton: (4-2)
Chris Miller: (3-3)
Ryan Flippo: (4-3)
Well, here we are, the Superbowl. Between a team that deflates balls and a team that had to pull off the craziest comeback I have ever seen. Sigh.
I will be honest, I am not super excited for this Superbowl. But, as I was informed by one of our loyal readers, who is also a Seahawks fan, we have a duty to predict the Superbowl, so here we go!
SuperBowl Number Who Cares!
We had such a good run of exciting Superbowls up until last year, and for that I blame the Seahawks. Yet, here they are again, doing something so rare in the salary cap era, repeating a visit to the Superbowl. As much as I dislike both coaches, I don't see how the Seahawks win this game. The unbelievable confluence of events that had to happen against the Packers for them to make it to the Superbowl is not something that can be repeated. I can only imagine the plays and strategies Bill Belichick has in store for the Superbowl and, as much as I hate to say this, I think the Patriots are going to walk all over the Seahawks.
Patriots 31-Seahawks 17
Really Jesse? The Patriots? There's no chance they win this game with #deflategate still looming over their heads. Goodell-Bot will make sure of that. Look, I know you like to think that the only team that can beat the Deflatriots in the Super Bowl is the Giants because Eli retarded his way ass-backwards into not only one but TWO incredibly lucky victories against them but New England really isn't that good. Marshawn Lynch alone will destroy them. Also if there's one thing we know about Brady it's if you can knock him down a few times to start the game he sucks which isn't really what you want when you face a team like Seattle. This could be another lopsided Super Bowl game. I just don't think the Pats match up well at all. Plus, they have the WORST luck in Glendale so I'm sure Paul Richardson will come up with some amazing amazing catch off a terrible Russell Wilson throw to win the game making him the next David Tyree or Mario Manningham.
Seahawks 35 - Patriots 20
I had a pretty good workout this morning. I've been increasing my weights that I move around and I've noticed my calluses on my hands have become more intense. I guess more intense is the wrong word, they hurt. Moving a decent amount of concentrated weight in a certain direction multiple times is not easy on the hands. But Jeremy, why don't you use gloves? Well ya see Billy, gloves may help your skin but they don't necessarily help your grip when you move weight around. The last thing you want is a bar with weights on the ends to get away from you and murder people in the gym. My face would be so red! I think of moving weights as a full contact situation and I like to be able to feel the gnarled bar not just pretend it exists. Jeremy, are you saying that wide receivers that use gloves are not in the best interest of the game? No, no I'm not. I just wanted to talk about a story that is more interesting than this Super Bowl game.
I picked the games the way I picked them because I was hoping against hope that we WOULDN'T get a Seachickens/Pats game. We all know the Pats are the easy team to hate, but why can't we just as easily hate the Seachickens? I really want both teams to lose and not return to the Super Bowl for 15 years, that's the outcome I want. I hope the Commissioner makes this a thing, READ THIS GOODDELL! That being said I think the Seahawks forget how to rally in the last few minutes of the game and lose.
Pats 42 - Seachickens - 28
So far I am 3-0 in NFC picks and 0-3 in AFC picks. This seems like a sign, right? I have a feeling this will be a great game. Brady won't fold like a cheap suit, the way Payton did. And the Seahawks showed what their offense can do when they get rolling. The bottom line for me is that the Patriot receivers aren't good enough to consistently get open against the the Legion of Boom. I see the Patriots stacking the box to force Wilson to beat them through the air. I think he does just enough to do it.
PS. Jeremy, I would recommend wrapping some athletic tape around your hands where the calluses are. That way you still get the feel for the bar, but you don't feel as much pain. Or you can just be a man and grunt harder.
Seahawks 30 - #Deflategate 24
Jesse: Thanks for reading our NFL Playoff predictions/weightlifting discussion!
By: Jesse Ulrich, Chad Holmes, Jake Sutton, Chris Miller, Jeremy Lippiatt, and Ryan Flippo
The Conference Championships are upon us!.... and we are one step away from another boring Patriots Superbowl. So before we predict the Conference Championships, let's see how we did last week and because we did not cover it last week, we will talk about our Preseason Playoff predictions.
Last Week's Predictions:
Jesse Ulrich: Patriots, Seahawks, Packers, Colts (4-0)
Chad Holmes: Patriots, Seahawks, Packers, Broncos (3-1)
Tyler Dawson: Patriots, Panthers, Packers, Broncos (2-2)
Jeremy Lippiatt: Patriots, Seahawks, Cowboys, Colts (3-1)
Jake Sutton: Patriots, Seahawks, Packers, Broncos (3-1)
Chris Miller: Ravens, Seahawks, Packers, Broncos (2-2)
Ryan Flippo: Seahawks, Patriots, Packers, Broncos (3-1)
So I can unscientifically say that the person who watched the least amount of football this year is the best at predicting the playoffs! But how did we do before the season started?
Our Preseason Playoff Predictions
I am guessing I got my mojo back after my terrible playoff predictions before the season started. Denver over San Francisco in the Superbowl? Yikes! Like everyone else my NFC is just terrible, but my AFC is alright considering how everyone else was also choosing Denver to go all the way, and Peyton Manning's descent into to MJ on the Wizards territory is just terribly sad to watch. It was foolhardy to predict a Superbowl between my favorite living Quarterback, Peyton Manning, and the embodiment of everything I want my Madden Quarterback to be, Colin Kapernick.
Welp, I batted .500 on the AFC and NFC games (but my Panthers pick never had a chance, so really I should've gone 3-4...). The "Patriots" had to pull some shenanigans to defeat the Pre-Cogs but that's what "Patriots" do. I knew Peyton was struggling but I thought that the rest of the team would step up and shut down the Colts but man-o-man was I wrong. That team had zero fire in them. Wasn't even pathetic, just.. sad.
On the NFC side the games ended predictably. The Cowboys had their chances but by the 4th quarter Rodgers decided he had enough and entered his Konami cheat code to finish the game. The Seahawks/Panthers game was still pretty close, but The Chancellor decided he wanted to show boat with a 99yard pick six. He really ruins a lot of games with his awesomeness.
Well after some good games and not so entertaining games from the divisional weekend, I went 3-4 on my Rant9 picks. I correctly tabbed 3 of the 4 Championship contenders from our Preseason picks as well. Even though I did not do the best overall on the preseason picks, I consider this a win. Last weekend the Patriots/Ravens game met expectations; The Panthers could not contend in the long haul Saturday night, as expected; The Cowboys damn near ruined everything but Rodgers went ahead and locked up that MVP vote (so say we all) and the Colts proved that they made the right call opting for Luck over Manning. How terrible did Manning look? Shockingly bad.
I talked about how wrong I was about the Jets and Vikings last week, so I'm going to break away from these losers and recap the Divisional Round games!
Wow, Peyton looked bad. He's looked that way for almost half of the season! I don't care if he was playing injured or not, that whole team looked terrible and he looked like he was just trying to not throw a pick. After the Broncos sacked all of their coaching staff, I'd be shocked if Peyton didn't announce retirement soon. His goose is cooked. Oh hey, guess who has Brock Osweiler in our Yahoo Keeper league? This guy! Other than the Colts winning, the other results weren't entirely surprising (and really neither was the Broncos shitting the bed). The Panthers were in it most of the game until Cam started throwing pick sixes. The Packers won in Lambeau off a karma-tastic call that didn't go Dallas's way, although nice blown call on the Randall Cobb non-catch (maybe?).
The Patriots came back against ELITE QB JOE FLACCO who, in true elite fashion, threw two elite back breaking interceptions with the game on the line. Seriously, the guy is one of the highest paid QBs in the league. ELITE. In far more hilarious news, the Bills also hired Rex Ryan as their coach. A team with no offense and a top defense paired with a coach who knows nothing about offense and failed to develop one in six years with the Jets? THAT'S GOOD HUSTLE!
I was real high on Cincy doing much better, no idea why. I did have the Colts over the Patriots so there is still a possibility I'm right with that one. I was also super high on San Francisco, I just thought they should make it in again I guess. I did have Green Bay and Seattle meeting and Green Bay moving on. I just didn't quite get the pieces in the right places, but I still had some of the pieces in the game. Granted not all of the pieces, but some of the pieces. My Grand Pappy had a saying, “Sometimes the pieces aren't always there and you have to fucking make do with what you fucking have.” Agreed GP, agreed. Oh, also I'm 3-1 from last week, NOT BAD!
My preseason playoff picks look pretty brutal. NO and SF in the NFC is just bad. No two ways around it. At least I had Indy in the AFC championship and on to the Super Bowl. I guess last week Bones should have talked to preseason Bones about whether or not to pick Indy. Not to get all cliche-y, but that was one of the most “Passing of the Torch” games I have ever seen. I, for one, welcome our new neck-bearded overlord. Flacco just couldn't find a way to finish for me in my other miss of the weekend. I guess my grasp of the AFC is not very good. At least I got both NFC games right. Seattle over Carolina was no surprise. That Seattle D at home is a nightmare. I hope Rodgers brought an extra cup. And now for the final game of last week...bwahahahahaha. Sorry Cowboy fans, but that was just too funny. Having your playoff run end based on questionable calls (that are named after a Lion player) after advancing based on questionable calls is just too good. Excellent troll job by the Lions twitter, as well.
Here's hoping I can improve on that 2-2 record from last week.
As we've covered extensively, the NFC stands for No Freaking Clue. I think I suffered from fantasy football inflation when making my NFC picks; I should've known better than to think that NO, CHI and PHI would all be able to march into the playoffs on the back of their respective offenses. I will say, I did at least refrain from openly mocking Tyler for picking DAL to win their division, which is almost as good as actually predicting it myself! In the AFC, the thought never crossed my mind that one division would get 3 teams in, which is why I had SD instead of BAL. I did miss the Cinderella run by the Colts, but I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I am the only one here with a complete Super Bowl still alive from my preseason. I'll hang my hat on that and move on.
All things being equal, I would totally be a Packers fan. A team owned by the town and not some billionaire asshole? Sign me up! But, having New York Jewish parents leads to certain things, like me being a Giants fan. Yet, if someone out of these 4 teams has to win the Superbowl, I want it to be the Packers. Aaron Rodgers is incredible to watch and their receiving corp is fantastic. To the game at hand, it really depends on which Seahawks team shows up, the one killing teams with either terrible QBs or no WRs, or the team from earlier in the year that couldn't seem to score any points and traded away one of the best offensive weapons in the league. If Rodgers is healthy, and the Seahawks can't do anything on offense, he will eventually find a way to score enough to win.
Packers 24-Seahawks 17
I want the Seahawks to lose but I just don't see it happening. They will put on their best Operation Barbarosa impression and blitz Rodgers until he's a steaming hunk of flesh left on the outskirts of Green Bay (wink wink). However, the Packers do have a chance in pulling off the upset. If they can take away the run game from Lynch and Wilson they have a shot. Wilson tossed some beautiful passes last week but you have to play the odds and assume he won't have repeat performance. The Battle of the Surnames is what I'm looking forward to the most. Wilson to Wilson or Rodgers to Rodgers, which will prevail?
Seahawks 28 Packers 24
How great is this? Packers take down the Cowboys and get to go into Seattle to maybe right the wrongs of the past. I hope this time Rodgers will not be afraid to throw it Richard Sherman’s direction… I mean, if Cam Newton can do it, so can Aaron-freaking-Rodgers. Looking back at recent playoff games (in my memory,) I think what wins these divisional rounds and championship rounds ultimately are the teams that adapt and do something new. Maybe it is simply something they have been trying to do but finally succeed at, or the team just tweaks itself just right to overcome the other's game-plan, which was based on film study from the regular season. The Packers have made more changes and will be more unpredictable than the Seahawks for two reasons (1) the running game has come on, and it isnt just Lacy, Starks and Kuuuuuuhhhhn have made good gains too. The O-line opened up huge holes in recent weeks, they have improved to the tune of 152 rushing yards against the #2 rushing defense in the league, the Detroit Lions, then 122 against the Cowboys. If the Packers decide to run, they can do it; and (2) Aaron Rodgers' style has been forced to adapt to only playing on one leg. The Seahawks know that he likes to roll out and throw out of the pocket, and now he can't simply do that because of his calf. I saw in the Cowboys Divisional round game Rodgers was moving around differently than I am used to seeing. That pocket movement made him more unpredictable and opened up big plays. I see more of that freestyle pocket sliding happening this weekend in the Championship game, which should open up huge plays and will be the difference maker. The Seahawks, to me, have not changed a bit. They run the ball, do excellent on defense and have good special teams... all of which can be planned against. I’m going straight homer with this one, and expect the Packers to bottle-up Lynch (under 100 yds, 1 TD [yes, that’s “bottled up” in my opinion for the Beast in his own home]); humiliate Russell Wilson (11-25, 175 yds, 0 TD, 2 INTs, 50+ yds rushing) and go score crazy on that storied defense to shut the 12th man’s face up. I’ll say Rodgers goes 26-33, 300 yds, 3 TDs, 0 ints and Lacy goes over 100 yds with a score.
I’ll take the Pack 28- 'Hawks 16.
Whatever GT says, it will be wrong...
On paper this should be a good game, but in reality the Packers just can't get it done in Seattle.Hey remember that time Golden Tate made that “catch” propelling the Seahawks to victory during the referee strike (how many times do you think that will be brought up by Joe Buck and Troy Aikman)? Or that time they completely destroy the Packers in the opener this season? Pete Carroll has Aaron Rodgers' figured out. Sorry Sutton, I just don't see it happening. Green Bay isn't smash mouth enough and that is how you beat the Seahawks. Plus now that the Jets have hired Todd Bowles as their head coach, I can take my vested interest in Dan Quinn out of the equation. I really don't have anything witty or intelligent to say about this game (story of my life, amirite guys?) so I guess... Seahawks 34, Packers 16?
REDEMPTION! This is where and when the Packers get it. This game is going to be a great one! I don't see the packers losing to the Seahawks a third time in 3 years. I just don't. The Packers are hungry and now their collective dicks are ready to play some smash mouth football. They do need to protect Rodgers since he's kind of gimpy at the moment, and if they give him time and keep him clean then I think they have a win on their hands. I know I picked against them last game, but that was a test. They passed the test, even though the refs said that catch wasn't a catch. Like Grand Pappy used to say, “Barns can't be erect overnight; they need blood, sweat, and non-ginger tears.”
Packers 34 - Seahawks 28
The ghosts of Fail Mary's past haunt this game. Green Bay is looking for redemption. Too bad Rodgers has a bum calf and is playing against the best defense in the NFL. Seattle has an amazing home field advantage as well. It even tricks refs into believing a non-catch is a catch. It's almost magical. I love cheese and beer (what I assume are GB's top exports) way more than fish and smug self-satisfaction (which are probably Seattle's top exports), but I just don't see how Fatty McCheeseblood can beat Douchie McLocallysourced. Wilson is playing at a high level, right now. Even if Rodgers is clearly better, I will take Wilson vs. the GB defense over Rodgers vs. the Legion of Boom.
Seahawks 30 - Packers 20
I like Sutton's point about teams being willing to adapt in the playoffs. I'm not sure that Rodgers being forced into less scrambling is a good thing for the Pack, though, at least at first glance. I suppose if that has caused Green Bay to go to their run game more, that could be a net positive if that means they really can run the ball against that Seattle front and take some pressure off their defense on the road. It seems easy to say this will be Rodgers vs. Wilson and may the best QB win, but if the game becomes high scoring I think that actually favors the Packers. Wilson is the real deal, Lynch is a Beast, the 12th Man is formidable - all those things are true. I just feel like Rodgers may actually be living his own sports movie this season. Go Pack Go!
Packers 35 - Seahawks 31
You know what, I can't do it anymore. I can no longer hate the Patriots, like my friend Jake Sutton, I have come to appreciate their amazing coaching, the clutch play of Tom Brady, and the fact that they have had to do the most creative things in order to win. In a normal universe, they would be my favorite team, they shouldn't be faulted because their coach does not give a fuck about how the media view him. But I can't let go of my sports hate, I NEED MY SPORTS HATE!
Patriots 31-Colts 24
The "Patriots" take on the Colts in what will surely be a classic, nail biting 20 point blowout. Unfortunately, for the Colts they will have to play a team that actually gives a shit and when that happens they get their asses handed to them. However the Colts sorta do have a chance still. They just need Brady and their center to act their respective ages, for Gronk break his bionic arm, and hope Revis takes an early vacation to his own private island, they can totally pull it off....no they can't.
"Patriots" 35 Colts 14
Luck is the next generation’s Brady/Manning, whatever QBs come in the next few NFL drafts will have to deal with his dominance for the next decade. I see them making the playoffs every season he is under center, and he is already proving that he will perform well in the postseason, unlike his predecessor. Brady and the Belichick Patriots are disturbingly good. They are always in the AFC championship or damned close to it. Belichick has to go down as the modern day Lombardi, and I give the team’s success credit straight to him. I believe Brady does too, as he just restructured his deal again to free up cap space for the team so they can retool in the off-season and stay dominant. It is clear to me that Brady understands his success is due to the talent around him placed there by his head coach/GM, not his own talent. Him not being a greedy bastard at the expense of his team’s overall success is another point in his favor making me dislike them that much less. Belichick is just that consistently dominant and he is able to think outside of conventional wisdom (and rules, if it suits him). Now, I want the Colts to win this because I like new people participating in the bowl, but I don’t know if I can pick against the Patriots at home. I’ll take the Patriots to win 31-24 [but will hope for the Colts to win 24-21 on the leg of Vinatieri.]
Thank God the Patriots beat the Ravens last week. Clearly the lesser of two evils. In response to Jesse's editor's note regarding Hernandez: Hey, at least they didn't actively try to cover it up. Dude was released pretty much immediately. I'm not saying they're the classiest franchise in the NFL, but leaps and bounds better than the Ravens. Anyway, on the this week's game! I've gotta admit, I'm pulling for the Colts in this one mainly because I'm a big Andrew Luck fan. Speaking of which, my sister-in-law is a former Colts fan but bailed on them in favor of Denver because she was really just a Colts fan because of Peyton Manning. She claims she and her family have been a Broncos fans her entire life. Really? Because I'm pretty sure you had a Colts jersey at one point. And she's not the only one. There were literally thousands of people who do this shit. People who are just “[insert good player's name here] fans” are the worst type of fans. It's one thing if you aren't an NFL fan and follow teams that your favorite college players go to. I get it. Lots of OU fans used to be Vikings fans because they pretty much only drafted OU players several years ago. That adds up. But let's stop this bullshit fake fucking fannery because if you're going to commit to a NFL team for YEARS you don't get to change because your favorite player left. That said, I'm taking the Colts and Andrew Luck here even though he literally got me 0.36 fantasy points in my championship game. Come the FUCK on man!
Colts 26, Patriots 21.
YES! Colts beat the Broncos, I knew it!!! I knew Manning just wasn't into it and the Colts wanted it so bad they could feel it in their loins and the loins of their fans. This is going to be a tough game, New England can play very well on both sides of the ball and they have a lot of options to get things done. PLUS A DOUBLE PASS PLAY IN THEIR POCKET! I love a good double pass play. I was watching the college bowl games during the Santa season and saw TCU and Baylor both pull off a successful double pass play. I was yelling a lot at the TV during this time, as I really enjoy these. The Pats have a lot going for them, but they have an arrogance of being at this level, yeah we do this shit all the time, we got this. The Colts are like the low man on the totem pole that is happy to just be asked to show up. What the Colts don't know is that their dicks are MORE ready to play than the Pats' dicks! They have this great moment from the win over Denver and it carries over to their WIN over the Patriots! Like my Grand Pappy said, “Colts don't prove me wrong on this one assholes.”
Colts 33 - Patriots 27
Samsonite! I was way off! So, I picked both these teams to lose. I can't wait to get this pick wrong, as well. Luck looks like someone took Brady's playoff mojo and fisted it into Mannings soft, shitty body and then grew a neck beard. He seems to actually be elevating the play of everyone around him. The Patriots are vulnerable. On paper, the Patriots are the more complete team. Better running backs (sort of), better wide receivers (kind of), better tight ends (definitely) , slightly better QB (maybe) and better defense (neither is great). Colts have a little bit of a ToD (team of destiny) feel to them and the Pats aren't good enough to overcome that. Knowing my history though, I can't wait to watch the Pats vs. Pack in the Super Bowl.
Colts 34 - Patriots 27
God bless Luck and his 0.36 championship points. I still needed every Gronktastic point of my own to take advantage of Tyler's misfortune, though. And it's Gronk that really sways this game for me. It's cliche to say at this point, but he really is a matchup nightmare. Vontae Davis is a great CB for Indy, but I don't believe he can cover Gronk 1-on-1 all game long. And whatever moves Pagano makes to compensate for Gronk's effect on the Colts D, I'm pretty sure Belichick already has 3 counter moves ready to deploy. I agree with Bones: the Pats are vulnerable, but the Colts are more vulnerable, especially on the ground. The Pats are practically Borg-like in their ability to adapt their personnel and formations to take advantage of those vulnerabilities in the most brutally efficient way possible, and Gronk's unfair prowess as both blocker and receiver unlocks all of that for New England. Resistance is futile.
Pats 30 - Colts 23
BY JESSE ULRICH, CHAD HOLMES, TYLER DAWSON, JEREMY LIPPIATT, JAKE SUTTON and CHRIS MILLER
With the season now over and the second week of the playoffs about to begin, it is time to look back at our preseason predictions. So how did we all do? And what do we predict for the second round of the Playoffs? For those readers out there who would have noticed, we didn't care if we got the seeds right and as always, here comes some adult language.
Well, we did alright. $50 bucks says we did better than most sports analysts on TV. But, I truly wonder how we got the NFC so wrong?
I'm starting to think the color tones of the CBS broadcasts are why I can't sit through any AFC games. Everything just feels cold and super boring. Anyways, here are a few observations on my terrible picks. I was evidently high as a fucking kite on NFC-SOUTH sativa before the season started. They were just garbage and I feel pretty dumb for picking two teams from that division to make the playoffs. I overall like my AFC picks, I still think the Colts are overrated and Tennessee just had the bad luck of having multiple terrible quarterbacks, terrible running backs, and a terrible coaching staff this year. Clearly my "Chargers winning the AFC pick" didn't come to fruition, but, they were devastated on the front line and while they were able to stay afloat for half the season with that, it eventually caught up with them and bit them in the ass.
WOOOOO-EEEEEE! AMERICA'S TEAM IS BACK! Who could have possibly predicted the Cowboys rise to relevance? Oh yeah! I did, bitches! New Orleans and Minnesota still had outside chances up until the final weeks (seriously, how the Hell did Carolina end up here?) as did San Diego. My only real misstep was predicting the Juts would do anything ,except in true Jut fashion, mess up their chances to get the first overall pick. All they had to do was lose to Tennessee and Miami! Why would you win those meaningless games? Our history at 6th overall pick is not good. Looking at you Mark Sanchez and Vernon “The Ghost” Gholston. The only good thing to come out of this season is a complete reboot of the front office that has been needed for years. I'll miss Rex Ryan but let's be real: He's not a great coach and we are probably better off in the long run. Anyway, 8-4 is not too shabby... just a shame that the Steelers lost. Now I have to root for New England in the AFC and I hate myself for that. Thanks, Obama!
My Bolts didn't make it, SO CLOSE THOUGH! Another so-so year for the Chargers, winning enough just to maintain fans! I didn't do too badly on my picks and am only one behind the asshole leaders. The worst part is, I owe GT a bottle of bourbon, who would have thought the Cowboys would have been the best team to win the NFC East at the beginning of the season, only very special people, clearly. Granted they move on to the next round because Jerry likely paid off some people, but good on them. We'll see how they fair in this next round. Overall I'm pretty happy with the outcomes of my picks, yay for being over .500!
The Steelers and Cowboys ruined everything for my picks this year. I was one game away from picking the best losing team to make the playoffs, but those dirty birds let me down in that week 17 matchup vs the Panthers. It disgusts me that GT won. Congrats to Flippo too. He and I have been doing this for a decade now, I took the last two years, he was due for a win over me.
Hey. GT didn't win. He tied. And by virtue of being GT, he loses all tiebreakers. If that isn't a big enough reason, picking the Juts to win anything should be an automatic disqualifier.
All Hail Picks Champions Bones!!!! No need to get into the travesty that was the officiating in the Lions game; I will just say that my faith in thinking they were a playoff team was rewarded. Now, on to this weekend's matchups.
Ravens at Patriots, 4:35PM
God, I hate the Patriots. How are they still good? Is Belichick really the best coach of all time? I can't even talk about this, both team have murderers, wife beaters, and cheaters. A POX ON BOTH THEIR HOUSES!
Patriots 28-Ravens 24
Terrorists vs pre-cog teenagers. I think we already know who wins this one since they are seemingly always one step ahead of the other team. And always have been. Except this year, Terrorists win 24-20
Man, I really wanted the Steelers to win last weekend. The Ravens are probably in my top three worst fanbases. Don't get me wrong, the Steelers are still in the top five, but the Ravens are way worse! They literally complain about everything. Did you know they thought the NFL was out to get them a couple of years ago when they won the Super Bowl due to their four weather delay games and the power outage at the Superdome? Seriously Baltimore, shut the Hell up. Not only did your scumbag owner help Ray “Stabby Stab” Lewis get away with murder, but, just this season tried to cover up Ray Rice's wife beating! Also Joe Flacco is not elite. So as much as I hate the Patriots, at least they don't try to help their players kill people (editor's note: Um...Aaron Hernandez?) and beat women. I'll allow them to go to the Super Bowl again this year. Patriots 38 - Ravens 13
Oh the Ravens with their elite one eye-browed quarterback Flacco. You know I had him in my Yahoo fantasy league, one week he got me 4 TDs and like 1 interception with a ton of yards, then the next week, he gave me 4 INTs with almost no yardage and no TDs. The single brow is completely unreliable, plus he's outrageously overpaid, but if he can still make it to the playoffs, I guess we keep paying him. I'm not a huge Ravens fan, nor am I a huge Pats fan, so I really have nothing in this fight. I think Flacco figures out how to do the 4 INTs, no TDs, and low yardage thing again this week. Go Pats I guess!?
Patriots 28 - Ravens 19
I used to hate the Patriots, now, I'm forced to recognize their quality. This team has only lost the division twice since 2001. Let that soak in. ... twice. I have to respect that dominance. For this match-up I like either team: I enjoy the Ravens now that they are more offensively focused. Forsett is a great little story of second, third and fourth chances. Steve Smith is always fun to root for because everything he does is serious. Torrey Smith seems to be on top of his game too. I am not a Flacco fan, but I like him putting the ball down the field. I think I will take the home team here though, the Ravens may not be consistent enough to win. I hope we get a classic Boston Snow game. Patriots 33- Ravens 17
The Ravens are starting to feel like this year's Wild Card Team That Makes a Long Playoff Run. It's hard to pick against Brady and Belichick...in the playoffs...at home. Then again, I get a funny feeling about this game. Maybe Brady's contract situation is wearing on him more than he is letting on. Maybe he isn't fully healthy. It's out on a ledge time....
Ravens 33 - Patriots 27
Panthers at Seahawks, 8:15PM
How are the Panthers in the playoffs? I mean if you listen or read Grantland, you saw their terrible season coming, yet their terrible division helped them out. I'm not saying I'm rooting for the Seahawks, because I am not. But if I gambled, I would put all my money on Seattle. Also, the statue of the Carolina Panther is terrifying. Hope you are happy Ben Weiner, Seahawks 31-Panthers 6
Being a Rams fan I can't help but hate both of these teams. Panthers took out Bradford last year with a late out of bounds tackle (it was a serious beatdown on all levels even beyond that) and the Seadderall Cheathawks are coached by a 90 year old lesbian in the apartment upstairs who cranks the volume all the way to max on her Bose system when she's home watching reruns of Bonanza. The Panthers have a great shot of knocking them off though because if the 4 NFC West brothers had a half-brother from their moms 2nd marriage, it would be the Panthers. They match-up very well with the Seahawks and will make it a close game down the stretch. Fuck it, let's go Panthers!
Seahawks 17 - Panthers 23
You know, I can't help but like the Seahawks. They have assembled a stellar team and I can't really find anything I dislike about them. Sure their fans are kind of annoying but you know what? I'll let them have it for now. But man, how hilarious would it be if the Panthers went all New York Giants on us and somehow went on a crazy run to win the Super Bowl? Hilarity would ensue! So I'm going to pick the Panthers in this game even though there is approximately a 0.0001% chance of that happening. Panthers 21 - Seahawks 17
The Panthers didn't look that bad last week and I like teams that have to play from the first week of the playoffs. I'm not high on repeat Super Bowl winners, so as much as I'd love to see the Seahawks lose I just don't see it happening here. Although I really do want the Panthers to win. I think Cam has a good shot and if he dodges enough legion of boom defenders maybe he'll have this one. Officially I think the Seahawks will win, but in my heart I want the Panthers to win. Go teams!
Seahawks 14 - Panthers 13
Seahawks. The Panthers are just happy to be there, they stand no chance and will be lucky if they all make it out alive. Seahawks 40 - Panthers 10
This seems like a super easy pick (it is, I'm just stalling to build drama), but dat Panther D was hella sexy last weekend. I didn't like Cam in college, but man he is a fun pro QB. How can you not root for that smile? And who can forget that awesome NFL Play 60 commercial (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aKYZFcmAmU)? That sure would be fun if they won.
Seahawks 27 - Panthers 10
Cowboys at Packers, 1:05PM
Is this the easiest game to root for? Go Pack Go! If the Cowboys win this game, I truly don't know what has happened to the universe, but we should all get in our bomb shelters. If you are noticing that I have nothing constructive to say about any of these games, you would be right. Between switching jobs and cutting the cord, I did not watch as much football as I usually do, so I am going straight gut with these picks. Down with Jerry Jones! Down with Governor Christie! Packers 42-Cowboys 0. That's right, 0.
What happens when an immovable object (Romo on the road) collides with an unstoppable force (Rodgers at home)? Romo vs Rodgers. RoM vs RoD. Ro vs Ro. Ro Ro Ro your boat... PACKERS.
Packers 35 - Cowboys 21
HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?! And you all thought I was stupid! Idiots! That said, I'm torn about this game. On one hand, I really want the Cowboys to make a deep playoff run just to spite all of you, but on the other hand, fuck the Cowboys. So since Eddie Lacy, Randall Cobb, and Mason Crosby won me a fantasy championship... Go Pack Go! Packers 24 - Cowboys 20
Guess what? Yup, even though I really don't want to say it I'm going to, I pick the Cowboys. WILDCARD BITCHES!!!! If Jerry keeps paying off those refs than I'm sure the Cowboys can get a couple of calls helping them out in this one. Their defense is good enough to breakup the Packers offense, but just barely, and as long as they don't let Romo make any real decisions than they should be good to go!
Cowboys 20 - Packers 17
Please, Please, Please SNOW. This should be the best game of the weekend. It is a shame that boring, monotone, flat-liner Joe Buck will be calling the play by play. So long as the Packers bring their tackling to Lambeau, they should take this one to Seattle. 38-30 Packers. The Cowboys worry me, though. They have nearly everything it takes to beat the Packers: Run Game. The only thing they lack is a mobile QB which was the Packers downfall the previous two years. As a fan, I would not have it any other way. This road to the Playoffs reminds me of the 2010/11 Super Bowl season. The Packers , in the 2000's had lost to the Eagles and Falcons a few times in the post season, then on the championship run they got those revenge matchups and made the most of them. You'll remember that Falcons game as the one when the entire country was introduced to a perfect postseason game from a QB, as Rodgers obliterated the Falcons. I was at that game, it was awesome. Then they got to go up against the Bears for a rivalry NFC title game, then, the Steelers who were starting to think that TitleTown was in Pittsburgh. A great line up and extremely entertaining path to the Lombardi. This year could be similar, with Cowboys then Seahawks and then AFC powerhouse to wrap it up. I look forward to it and hope the Cowboys give us a good game, just not too good.
Packers 38 - Cowboys 30
Fuck the Cowboys. Fuck the Refs. I hope they lose by all of the points.
Packers 87 - Cowboys -11
Colts at Broncos, 4:40PM
I am worried about this game. I am a Peyton Manning defender and fan, but his last few playoff games and last year's Super Bowl have been disastrous. Also, Andrew Luck might be the real life version of every Quarterback I have ever used in Madden combined and that is terrifying, mostly terrifying to Jake Sutton, but still. Andrew Luck makes crappy teams better. I will be watching this game in silence.
Colts 31-Broncos 28
The most overrated quarterback of all time vs the upcoming most overrated quarterback of all time. Whoever wins loses next week. Denver has the better overall team between the two and will pull out the win.
Broncos 38 - Colts 10
Both of these teams have been terrible the last month or so. I'm pretty sure Peyton is secretly injured or something and he's done after this season. I mean, you don't just go from being an awesome 38 year old quarterback to being completely ineffective without something gone horribly wrong. It really reminds me of that shithead Brett Favre's last season where he was pretty good for most of it but the wheels just fell off towards the end. That said, the Colts defense is not good. They have no running game. So it's basically Andrew Luck and TY Hilton against a pretty good Broncos defense at Mile High. I want the Colts to win, but I think it will be Denver (but they will lose to New England).
Broncos 27 - Colts 14
Old man Peyton, whom I really like mind you, won't be able to feed the ball to his receivers like Luck can. This is a medium defense/high offense game and what I've seen out of Manning lately doesn't have me impressed. I wouldn't mind the Broncos moving on, but I'm just not seeing it. The Colts are hungry, playing hard, and putting up points. The Broncos are full of Papa John's, high as fuck, and hoping their run game gets them wins. Too much running, not enough throwing means the Broncos lose.
Colts 24 - Broncos 21
Honestly, we're fortunate to have these matchups this season. Broncos/Colts, Packers/Cowboys, Seattle and the team that shall not be named, Ravens/Patriots... In my opinion this is fantastic and almost could not be better. I will take the veteran in this game, he rested, he has probably worked on timing up those routes with his young receivers. I think that is all that was stopping them from finishing the season strong, route timing and Peytons strength wearing down as the season went on. I love me some neck-beard, but the rest of Luck's team sucks. No run game, one receiver, poor inconsistent defense. Give me the Broncos vs Patriots in the title game please and make next weekend perfect.
Broncos 31 - Colts - 21
So many storylines. The neck-bearded padawan vs. the clean-shaven master. This may finish the same way that Anakin vs. Obi-Wan ended. I don't fully trust Peyton. He isn't the clutchiest clutch that ever clutched, but he has the benefit of an actual team around him. C.J. Anderson has been stellar, DT and JT have been full participants in practice and it looks like their defence is healing up. I am sure Andrew Luck has some heroics left, but I have a feeling Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware may end up tearing off several of his limbs. They do have the mile high ground!!!
Broncos 31 - Colts 20