By Jake Sutton, Chris Miller, Chad Holmes, Tyler Dawson Jeremy Lippiatt, Ryan Flippo, and Jesse Ulrich
For our 5 readers who might remember our NFL playoff predictions and discussions, you might also remember that long time monotonist Jake Sutton and Tolkien specialist Ryan Flippo used to predict the Division Winners and the entire playoffs all the way to the Superbowl before each season. I loved the idea so much I asked if we could do it for Rant9 and invite so more people to join in. So, I present to you, the RANT 9 PLAYOFFS AND SUPERBOWL PICKS!
Since we are posting this after Week 1, I asked the boys to take a look at their picks after one week of action and tell me what worries them and what they are still confident about, so enjoy watching us be wrong!
Beware! There is quite a bit of adult language when we start talking about the teams we love and the teams we hate.
Jake Sutton Favorite Team: The Green Bay Packers Most Hated Team: The Minnesota Vikings
Picks you are most comfortable with: Sutton: I am pretty comfortable picking Denver in the AFC and Philly in the NFC. I did not see anyone threatening Denver's dominance in the west and the NFC east is a hot mess with Dallas being Dallas, the Washington _____________'s, and the Eli-led Giants with a new offense. Philly is the obvious choice.
Picks you questioned even while making them: Chicago to take a wild card over San Francisco. I know the Bears D is going to struggle this season, they lost many players and they are an offensive team with Smoking Jay dumbface Cutler leading it, in an offense heavy division that has Stafford and Rodgers and Peterson, but I think they stand a good chance of making it. I feel like SF is due for a Jets-like regression after back to back NFC title game visits and that Head Coach is a psychopath, they are bound to implode.
Week 1 thoughts: Everything but KC is feeling good. Seattle came out strong, but the postseason is about who gets it together week 10 and beyond, not week 1.
Making fun of GT and his terrible picks. He actually picked Dallas. He consciously did that and sent it to us to post on the website. That is something that happened.
Chris Miller Favorite Team: The Detroit Lions Most Hated Team: The Dallas Cowboys
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: Sutton covered Denver and Philly, so I'll just say ditto (no/Swayze). Despite losing, I am still comfortable with Indy winning the South. Luck is better than Locker, Fitzpatrick and Henne combined, even with a Trent Richardson-sized anchor tied to his neck beard.
Picks You Questioned Even While Making Them: Both of my 2 seeds, though New England looked turrible, picking anyone to unseat Seattle in the west may actually be worse. I actually still like most of my playoff teams, though I would love to rejigger the seeds a bit:
The only team I am giving up on for Overreaction Weekend is Baltimore. If the NFL and EA Sports are doing their best to pretend like Ray Rice doesn't exist, the least I can do is pretend Baltimore doesn't exist.
Thoughts After Week 1: Speaking of Overreaction Weekend, we're back!!!!!!
Sorry about your Giants, Jesse. I mean, Stafford looked sharp, Megatron was a monster and the defense looked good (even if they were only playing Ellllllllliiiiiiiiiii). The lack of a running game is a concern, but luckily we play Chicago and Green Bay twice this year to work on it. The division looks more vulnerable than it has in years. The playoffs are not only attainable, but almost seem likely. I can't wait to read this section at the end of the year through tears of bitter disappointment, when the Lions choke away the division and a playoff spot sometime in December.
Making Fun of GT and his terrible Picks: J-U-T-S! Juts! Juts! Juts! Picking the Jets to make the playoffs is only your 3rd worst pick (Steelers over Seahawks? Come on, bro). That is why this section is necessary. D̶allas (get it, because the Cowboys don't have a D) is just the worst. Romo and that Defense managed to make D̶allas more of a dumpster fire than the Giants and Los Pieles Rojas. GT is the D̶allas of this pick segment.
Jeremy Favorite Team: The San Diego Chargers Most Hated Team: The Oakland Raiders
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: I'm about as comfortable with my picks as I am with staring down a rabid Pitbull, the rapper not the dog, is he a rapper? That said, I think Denver and Seattle are pretty solid again this year. I'm most comfortable with those two. If history repeats itself I'll be way off though, so look forward to this moment.
Picks You Questioned Even While Making Them: Green Bay over Seattle in the Divisional playoffs, I think if they play them again they will profit, but that's if Green bay does well during the season. Everyone needs to stay semi healthy for that to be a thing.
Thoughts After Week 1: Atlanta looked way stronger than I expected, but their receiving core was overhauled so I guess that makes some sense. The Chargers are already in midseason form! Baltimore looked more trashy than last year and Miami looks pretty decent or maybe New England is trash, I have no idea.
Making Fun of GT and his terrible Picks: Ok, let's take a look at GT's Turrible picks. Hahahaha the Juts AND DALLAS?! No fucking way that's a thing that happens while America is still a country. There are better odds of 7 people winning the billion dollar March Madness tournament bracket than that happening. The odds of one person winning were in the one in 4.3 million range. There are better odds of me eating 30 drops of Z Beyond Nothing hot sauce and NOT having fiery shits that scorch my taint for 5 days. There are better odds of Manchester United winning the Super Bowl. Lastly, there are better odds of Apple regaining the smartphone market share.
In our Fantasy Football league GT and I made some bets in the past. We did away with it the past couple of years, or maybe it was me. Last year I got second in our league, it was glorious and I really wish I had bet that asshole something! I'm bringing it back. If GT's Juts make it into the playoffs and are a higher seed than my Chargers (if they make it LOLZ) I will buy him a bottle of Basil Hayden bourbon, the largest bottle available at the liquor store. If the Juts AND the Dallas Cowboys make it in I will also buy him a bottle of Basil. That's two bottles on the table here, but I'm pretty sure they are both safe from GT hands.
Jesse Favorite Team, Oy: The New York Giants Most Hated Team: The New England Patriots
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: My entire AFC side still seems fine to me. While I would love, I mean LOVE, for the Patriots to actually suck enough to miss the playoffs, I know that won't happen. Why you might ask? Because the God of the Jews is angry, vengeful God. Again, we only saw Week 1, but Denver looked GOOD!
As far as the NFC goes, I totally forgot what a healthy Atlanta team looks like, and they look fantastic.
Picks You Questioned Even While Making Them: I should have known that the Giants would still suck. But you know what? I will survive, why? Because we still ruined the Patriots 19-0 Season, and no amount of Eli Picks can take that away from me. SUCK IT NEW ENGLAND!
Thoughts After Week 1: 1. The problem and the benefit of doing this after Week 1 is that you are reminded and told about situations that you either forgot, or didn't know about. Like Arizona's D. Their secondary is going to be amazing, and if San Fran can't keep their team out of jail, I have no doubt that Arizona could get a Wild Card Spot. 2. We are certainly in a golden age of QBs. Watching Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, Matt Ryan, Andrew Luck, Matt Stafford, and Peyton Manning throw these amazing passes over and over again is a joy; and as an owner of Megatron in our Fantasy league, can I just say, seriously, who built him? Where did he come from? He is not human right?
Making Fun of GT and his terrible Picks: Oh GT. The Jets and the Cowboys? Really? Did either team show anything at the end of last year or in Week 1 that really made you think “yeah, I can totally see them in the playoffs.” The answer to that question is no. You are terrible. P.S. OUAT is coming back soon! Time for some Week 1 Gifs!
Chad Favorite Team: The Saint Louis Rams Most Hated Team: The Los Angeles Rams
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: The only comfortablish picks I have are Cincinnati, Denver, and Seattle. If we were to use the airplane-seating-to-NFL-divisional-power-rankings-comfort-scale I would put Seattle sitting nice and pretty in first class with Denver and Cincinnati getting stuck back in coach but sitting in an exit row so they have that extra leg space.
Looking at the NFC, every division besides the West has serious question marks with who is going to win. North is going to be a shootout, South is going to be a shootout, and the East is, well, remember that shootout scene near the beginning of Total Recall where Arnold encounters his first bad guys on the escalator and he uses the innocent, backpack wearing man in front of him as a human bullet sponge? NFC East is the human bullet sponge. I don’t typically watch AFC games so my predictions from that side are mostly based on gut instincts and apathy.
Picks You Questioned Even While Making Them: Taking Tennessee to win AFC South over the Colts seems stupid but I got a gut feeling about this team. If Locker can stay healthy (first time for everything!) he and the Titans Defense can and will propel this team to the top of the division. That and I also think Luck is overrated from just being in a dumpster fire division his first two years (remember when Brandon Weeden beat him in the Fiesta Bowl? Never Forget.)
My really crazy idea is picking the Chargers to win the AFC. They are my dark horse team and really who better to take down the Bronco’s than their division rival?
Thoughts After Week 1: The Bills defeating the Bears has to be the biggest upset of the weekend. The Patriots losing to the Dolphins isn’t too surprising, trading away Mankins was a big blow to their offensive line and they might not be able to recover from it this year. Brady was sacked 4 times and just didn’t have time to throw the ball down the field in the second half. I think Brady and the Patriots are going to have very rough season reminisce of last year’s Falcons team.
Making Fun of GT and his terrible Picks: Let me ask you something, if every choice you’ve ever made has always manifested itself do you not have free choice? And if every choice you’ve made is an absolutely terrible one do you believe you still deserve the right to make said choice in the first place? GT is an argument against free will.
Flippo Favorite Team: The Pittsburgh Steelers Most Hated Team: Whatever team Jesse is rooting for
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: Seattle and San Fran to both make the playoffs again. They are officially the new Steelers-Ravens from a few years ago. It's just a question of who will win that division and how high their seed will be. I'm also perfectly content to bet on Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck.
Picks You Questioned Even While Making Them: The Bears to make the playoffs. Seattle/San Fran leaves only one NFC wild card spot available, and I couldn't decide whether to give it to any of the other NFC North teams or ATL. I settled on Chicago, but my uncertainty is why I have them losing their first playoff game.
Thoughts After Week 1: The Pats as the #1 seed does not look good right now, nor does picking anyone other than Seattle to win the Super Bowl. Calvin Johnson may actually be a robot of unfathomable destructive power, capable of singlehandedly laying waste to the rest of the NFC North.
Making Fun of GT and his terrible Picks: Flippo is too nice or lazy to make fun of GT for his picks.
Tyler Favorite Team: The New York Juts Most Hated Team: Isn't being a Jets fan bad enough?
Picks You Are Most Comfortable With: My gut tells me this will be a good year for Minnesota. Their defense is probably the best in the NFC North, which isn't saying much. Also did you see Cordarrelle Patterson? BEAST. But as Jesse will tell you, my gut is almost always wrong so I'm sure some suck dick team like the Lions will win it. Obviously Seattle is still the favorite in the NFC and to be honest I have no witty remark against them because they were kind of scary looking. But the dark horse that everyone is forgetting about this year AGAIN is Arizona. They were the only team to beat Seattle at home last year and I think they have the defensive talent to do it again this year. In the AFC Denver is still the favorite and they looked good until Luck almost lucked (GET IT! Because his last name is Luck!) into another come back win, which would have been hilarious. Then we have the Steelers. Do I think they are the most talented team in the AFC? Not particularly but they have a pretty easy schedule and are the best team in their division. Plus Antonio Brown will drop kick the opposing players to death.
Picks You Questions Even While Making Them: The New York Jets are clearly not a team that should be going to the playoffs but somehow Rex Ryan will go 9-7 with another terrible team and get bounced in the first round. Or maybe they'll Eli their way ass backwards into a victory against the unbeatable Seattle Seahawks (they won't)!
Thoughts After Week 1: Wow, I really whiffed on Dallas. OR DID I?! That division is a dumpster fire and I wouldn't be shocked if the winner even has a 0.500 record. The Jaguars shut out the Eagles in the first half. THE JAGUARS! The Washington Fightin' Snyders and The New York FOOTBALL Giants don't know how to cover wide (open) receivers. Dallas somehow got even worse on defense and Romo derped like only Romo can derp. Worst. Division. Ever. What does Eli have to say about all this?
Well put, Lesser Manning Brother! I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, actually I could have because I bet Eli can't even swear correctly. He probably was intercepted mid naughty word! Haha, classic Eli.
DEFEND YOURSELF!: Hey, screw you guys! I'm thinking outside the box here. First of all, Dallas like I said before: Worst. Division. Ever. Did you guys even watch the games this week? Compared to the rest of the division they are elite! You think they can't beat the Racists and the New York Cowboys? The Eagles had the most gimme match-up of the week and they still barely won. THE JAGUARS! Jerry's Boys can easily go 6-0 in the division while losing the rest of their games and still go to the playoffs. The NFC East is that bad.
Second, are you really going to count the Jets out? Remember this is a team that went to two straight AFC Championship games with Mark Sanchez and came very close to beating the Steelers for a Super Bowl birth in 2010. Last year they had the 29th ranked offense with an average at best defense but somehow won eight games and were in the playoff picture until week 16. They were projected to win like two games and yet here we are. The team is more talented than last year and they might actually move up to a top 20 offense! What could possibly go wrong?
OK, maybe top 25 offense....
And finally the Steelers winning the whole thing. Look I admit, this is a long shot but who else could it be? Let's see, Peyton is a choke artist of epic proportions and lesbehonest that Daniel Snyder'd defense of theirs isn't really that good. Also John “The Worst Coach That Has Ever Been to Two Super Bowls” Fox is is still there. Yeah, the guy who's game plan is always relying Peyton to do whatever he wants and see what happens is going to going to win the Super Bowl. Riiiight! Andrew Luck and a bunch of terrible players aren't going to get the job done. Seriously, can we talk about this for a minute? Can you imagine if Indy put a real team around him instead of a bunch of scrubs? They would be unstoppable. Clearly the Jets aren't up to the task unless Geno Smith sells his soul to Satan like Eli did for a Super Bowl win that they have no business even competing in. New England shipped off one of the best offensive lineman in the league for literally nothing. Gronk will injure himself on an extra point that he's in on for some reason and Tom Brady will probably get killed behind that line. Then Chargers just got Reggie Miller'd by Carson Palmer... I'll take the team with that has a history of getting it done against Seattle. Remember Super Bowl XL? Seahawks fans STILL complain about the supposedly bad officiating like they had a snowball's chance in Hell of winning anyway. Mostly I just want them to think they are going to get revenge only to be beaten by a hysterically awful Fail Mary type touchdown pass to Antonio Brown and lose to the Steelers again. Because fuck the Seahawks. AMIRITE!