BY JESSE ULRICH, CHAD HOLMES, TYLER DAWSON, JEREMY LIPPIATT, JAKE SUTTON and CHRIS MILLER
With the season now over and the second week of the playoffs about to begin, it is time to look back at our preseason predictions. So how did we all do? And what do we predict for the second round of the Playoffs? For those readers out there who would have noticed, we didn't care if we got the seeds right and as always, here comes some adult language.
Well, we did alright. $50 bucks says we did better than most sports analysts on TV. But, I truly wonder how we got the NFC so wrong?
I'm starting to think the color tones of the CBS broadcasts are why I can't sit through any AFC games. Everything just feels cold and super boring. Anyways, here are a few observations on my terrible picks. I was evidently high as a fucking kite on NFC-SOUTH sativa before the season started. They were just garbage and I feel pretty dumb for picking two teams from that division to make the playoffs. I overall like my AFC picks, I still think the Colts are overrated and Tennessee just had the bad luck of having multiple terrible quarterbacks, terrible running backs, and a terrible coaching staff this year. Clearly my "Chargers winning the AFC pick" didn't come to fruition, but, they were devastated on the front line and while they were able to stay afloat for half the season with that, it eventually caught up with them and bit them in the ass.
WOOOOO-EEEEEE! AMERICA'S TEAM IS BACK! Who could have possibly predicted the Cowboys rise to relevance? Oh yeah! I did, bitches! New Orleans and Minnesota still had outside chances up until the final weeks (seriously, how the Hell did Carolina end up here?) as did San Diego. My only real misstep was predicting the Juts would do anything ,except in true Jut fashion, mess up their chances to get the first overall pick. All they had to do was lose to Tennessee and Miami! Why would you win those meaningless games? Our history at 6th overall pick is not good. Looking at you Mark Sanchez and Vernon “The Ghost” Gholston. The only good thing to come out of this season is a complete reboot of the front office that has been needed for years. I'll miss Rex Ryan but let's be real: He's not a great coach and we are probably better off in the long run. Anyway, 8-4 is not too shabby... just a shame that the Steelers lost. Now I have to root for New England in the AFC and I hate myself for that. Thanks, Obama!
My Bolts didn't make it, SO CLOSE THOUGH! Another so-so year for the Chargers, winning enough just to maintain fans! I didn't do too badly on my picks and am only one behind the asshole leaders. The worst part is, I owe GT a bottle of bourbon, who would have thought the Cowboys would have been the best team to win the NFC East at the beginning of the season, only very special people, clearly. Granted they move on to the next round because Jerry likely paid off some people, but good on them. We'll see how they fair in this next round. Overall I'm pretty happy with the outcomes of my picks, yay for being over .500!
The Steelers and Cowboys ruined everything for my picks this year. I was one game away from picking the best losing team to make the playoffs, but those dirty birds let me down in that week 17 matchup vs the Panthers. It disgusts me that GT won. Congrats to Flippo too. He and I have been doing this for a decade now, I took the last two years, he was due for a win over me.
Hey. GT didn't win. He tied. And by virtue of being GT, he loses all tiebreakers. If that isn't a big enough reason, picking the Juts to win anything should be an automatic disqualifier.
All Hail Picks Champions Bones!!!! No need to get into the travesty that was the officiating in the Lions game; I will just say that my faith in thinking they were a playoff team was rewarded. Now, on to this weekend's matchups.
Ravens at Patriots, 4:35PM
God, I hate the Patriots. How are they still good? Is Belichick really the best coach of all time? I can't even talk about this, both team have murderers, wife beaters, and cheaters. A POX ON BOTH THEIR HOUSES!
Patriots 28-Ravens 24
Terrorists vs pre-cog teenagers. I think we already know who wins this one since they are seemingly always one step ahead of the other team. And always have been. Except this year, Terrorists win 24-20
Man, I really wanted the Steelers to win last weekend. The Ravens are probably in my top three worst fanbases. Don't get me wrong, the Steelers are still in the top five, but the Ravens are way worse! They literally complain about everything. Did you know they thought the NFL was out to get them a couple of years ago when they won the Super Bowl due to their four weather delay games and the power outage at the Superdome? Seriously Baltimore, shut the Hell up. Not only did your scumbag owner help Ray “Stabby Stab” Lewis get away with murder, but, just this season tried to cover up Ray Rice's wife beating! Also Joe Flacco is not elite. So as much as I hate the Patriots, at least they don't try to help their players kill people (editor's note: Um...Aaron Hernandez?) and beat women. I'll allow them to go to the Super Bowl again this year. Patriots 38 - Ravens 13
Oh the Ravens with their elite one eye-browed quarterback Flacco. You know I had him in my Yahoo fantasy league, one week he got me 4 TDs and like 1 interception with a ton of yards, then the next week, he gave me 4 INTs with almost no yardage and no TDs. The single brow is completely unreliable, plus he's outrageously overpaid, but if he can still make it to the playoffs, I guess we keep paying him. I'm not a huge Ravens fan, nor am I a huge Pats fan, so I really have nothing in this fight. I think Flacco figures out how to do the 4 INTs, no TDs, and low yardage thing again this week. Go Pats I guess!?
Patriots 28 - Ravens 19
I used to hate the Patriots, now, I'm forced to recognize their quality. This team has only lost the division twice since 2001. Let that soak in. ... twice. I have to respect that dominance. For this match-up I like either team: I enjoy the Ravens now that they are more offensively focused. Forsett is a great little story of second, third and fourth chances. Steve Smith is always fun to root for because everything he does is serious. Torrey Smith seems to be on top of his game too. I am not a Flacco fan, but I like him putting the ball down the field. I think I will take the home team here though, the Ravens may not be consistent enough to win. I hope we get a classic Boston Snow game. Patriots 33- Ravens 17
The Ravens are starting to feel like this year's Wild Card Team That Makes a Long Playoff Run. It's hard to pick against Brady and Belichick...in the playoffs...at home. Then again, I get a funny feeling about this game. Maybe Brady's contract situation is wearing on him more than he is letting on. Maybe he isn't fully healthy. It's out on a ledge time....
Ravens 33 - Patriots 27
Panthers at Seahawks, 8:15PM
How are the Panthers in the playoffs? I mean if you listen or read Grantland, you saw their terrible season coming, yet their terrible division helped them out. I'm not saying I'm rooting for the Seahawks, because I am not. But if I gambled, I would put all my money on Seattle. Also, the statue of the Carolina Panther is terrifying. Hope you are happy Ben Weiner, Seahawks 31-Panthers 6
Being a Rams fan I can't help but hate both of these teams. Panthers took out Bradford last year with a late out of bounds tackle (it was a serious beatdown on all levels even beyond that) and the Seadderall Cheathawks are coached by a 90 year old lesbian in the apartment upstairs who cranks the volume all the way to max on her Bose system when she's home watching reruns of Bonanza. The Panthers have a great shot of knocking them off though because if the 4 NFC West brothers had a half-brother from their moms 2nd marriage, it would be the Panthers. They match-up very well with the Seahawks and will make it a close game down the stretch. Fuck it, let's go Panthers!
Seahawks 17 - Panthers 23
You know, I can't help but like the Seahawks. They have assembled a stellar team and I can't really find anything I dislike about them. Sure their fans are kind of annoying but you know what? I'll let them have it for now. But man, how hilarious would it be if the Panthers went all New York Giants on us and somehow went on a crazy run to win the Super Bowl? Hilarity would ensue! So I'm going to pick the Panthers in this game even though there is approximately a 0.0001% chance of that happening. Panthers 21 - Seahawks 17
The Panthers didn't look that bad last week and I like teams that have to play from the first week of the playoffs. I'm not high on repeat Super Bowl winners, so as much as I'd love to see the Seahawks lose I just don't see it happening here. Although I really do want the Panthers to win. I think Cam has a good shot and if he dodges enough legion of boom defenders maybe he'll have this one. Officially I think the Seahawks will win, but in my heart I want the Panthers to win. Go teams!
Seahawks 14 - Panthers 13
Seahawks. The Panthers are just happy to be there, they stand no chance and will be lucky if they all make it out alive. Seahawks 40 - Panthers 10
This seems like a super easy pick (it is, I'm just stalling to build drama), but dat Panther D was hella sexy last weekend. I didn't like Cam in college, but man he is a fun pro QB. How can you not root for that smile? And who can forget that awesome NFL Play 60 commercial (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aKYZFcmAmU)? That sure would be fun if they won.
Seahawks 27 - Panthers 10
Cowboys at Packers, 1:05PM
Is this the easiest game to root for? Go Pack Go! If the Cowboys win this game, I truly don't know what has happened to the universe, but we should all get in our bomb shelters. If you are noticing that I have nothing constructive to say about any of these games, you would be right. Between switching jobs and cutting the cord, I did not watch as much football as I usually do, so I am going straight gut with these picks. Down with Jerry Jones! Down with Governor Christie! Packers 42-Cowboys 0. That's right, 0.
What happens when an immovable object (Romo on the road) collides with an unstoppable force (Rodgers at home)? Romo vs Rodgers. RoM vs RoD. Ro vs Ro. Ro Ro Ro your boat... PACKERS.
Packers 35 - Cowboys 21
HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?! And you all thought I was stupid! Idiots! That said, I'm torn about this game. On one hand, I really want the Cowboys to make a deep playoff run just to spite all of you, but on the other hand, fuck the Cowboys. So since Eddie Lacy, Randall Cobb, and Mason Crosby won me a fantasy championship... Go Pack Go! Packers 24 - Cowboys 20
Guess what? Yup, even though I really don't want to say it I'm going to, I pick the Cowboys. WILDCARD BITCHES!!!! If Jerry keeps paying off those refs than I'm sure the Cowboys can get a couple of calls helping them out in this one. Their defense is good enough to breakup the Packers offense, but just barely, and as long as they don't let Romo make any real decisions than they should be good to go!
Cowboys 20 - Packers 17
Please, Please, Please SNOW. This should be the best game of the weekend. It is a shame that boring, monotone, flat-liner Joe Buck will be calling the play by play. So long as the Packers bring their tackling to Lambeau, they should take this one to Seattle. 38-30 Packers. The Cowboys worry me, though. They have nearly everything it takes to beat the Packers: Run Game. The only thing they lack is a mobile QB which was the Packers downfall the previous two years. As a fan, I would not have it any other way. This road to the Playoffs reminds me of the 2010/11 Super Bowl season. The Packers , in the 2000's had lost to the Eagles and Falcons a few times in the post season, then on the championship run they got those revenge matchups and made the most of them. You'll remember that Falcons game as the one when the entire country was introduced to a perfect postseason game from a QB, as Rodgers obliterated the Falcons. I was at that game, it was awesome. Then they got to go up against the Bears for a rivalry NFC title game, then, the Steelers who were starting to think that TitleTown was in Pittsburgh. A great line up and extremely entertaining path to the Lombardi. This year could be similar, with Cowboys then Seahawks and then AFC powerhouse to wrap it up. I look forward to it and hope the Cowboys give us a good game, just not too good.
Packers 38 - Cowboys 30
Fuck the Cowboys. Fuck the Refs. I hope they lose by all of the points.
Packers 87 - Cowboys -11
Colts at Broncos, 4:40PM
I am worried about this game. I am a Peyton Manning defender and fan, but his last few playoff games and last year's Super Bowl have been disastrous. Also, Andrew Luck might be the real life version of every Quarterback I have ever used in Madden combined and that is terrifying, mostly terrifying to Jake Sutton, but still. Andrew Luck makes crappy teams better. I will be watching this game in silence.
Colts 31-Broncos 28
The most overrated quarterback of all time vs the upcoming most overrated quarterback of all time. Whoever wins loses next week. Denver has the better overall team between the two and will pull out the win.
Broncos 38 - Colts 10
Both of these teams have been terrible the last month or so. I'm pretty sure Peyton is secretly injured or something and he's done after this season. I mean, you don't just go from being an awesome 38 year old quarterback to being completely ineffective without something gone horribly wrong. It really reminds me of that shithead Brett Favre's last season where he was pretty good for most of it but the wheels just fell off towards the end. That said, the Colts defense is not good. They have no running game. So it's basically Andrew Luck and TY Hilton against a pretty good Broncos defense at Mile High. I want the Colts to win, but I think it will be Denver (but they will lose to New England).
Broncos 27 - Colts 14
Old man Peyton, whom I really like mind you, won't be able to feed the ball to his receivers like Luck can. This is a medium defense/high offense game and what I've seen out of Manning lately doesn't have me impressed. I wouldn't mind the Broncos moving on, but I'm just not seeing it. The Colts are hungry, playing hard, and putting up points. The Broncos are full of Papa John's, high as fuck, and hoping their run game gets them wins. Too much running, not enough throwing means the Broncos lose.
Colts 24 - Broncos 21
Honestly, we're fortunate to have these matchups this season. Broncos/Colts, Packers/Cowboys, Seattle and the team that shall not be named, Ravens/Patriots... In my opinion this is fantastic and almost could not be better. I will take the veteran in this game, he rested, he has probably worked on timing up those routes with his young receivers. I think that is all that was stopping them from finishing the season strong, route timing and Peytons strength wearing down as the season went on. I love me some neck-beard, but the rest of Luck's team sucks. No run game, one receiver, poor inconsistent defense. Give me the Broncos vs Patriots in the title game please and make next weekend perfect.
Broncos 31 - Colts - 21
So many storylines. The neck-bearded padawan vs. the clean-shaven master. This may finish the same way that Anakin vs. Obi-Wan ended. I don't fully trust Peyton. He isn't the clutchiest clutch that ever clutched, but he has the benefit of an actual team around him. C.J. Anderson has been stellar, DT and JT have been full participants in practice and it looks like their defence is healing up. I am sure Andrew Luck has some heroics left, but I have a feeling Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware may end up tearing off several of his limbs. They do have the mile high ground!!!
Broncos 31 - Colts 20