So here we are, the Superbowl. One of the few times both number 1 seeds made it all the way to the big game, and even more rare as one of the most historically potent offenses goes up against an epically good defense. So the question becomes does the old adage, “Defense wins championships” hold true in this modern pass happy NFL, with the, at least according to Bill Barnwell over at Grantland, most prolific offense in NFL history. The Seahawks defense, while amazing, is in the top 10 defenses of all time, which is commendable, but how does that compare with the Denver’s offense? Personally I want the Broncos to win, not only so that Peyton Manning will get his second Superbowl win so people can stop talking about that and saying he is the best “Regular Season Quarterback” but because he has had such an amazing comeback and such an amazing year. The fact that he is doing without being able to throw the long ball while barely being able to a spiral is certainly something to see. Also, Pete Carroll does not deserve a Superbowl win, what a toolbag. Unlike most Superbowls in the past, this one, as we all know unless you have been living under a rock, is being played outside in New York in the cold. So who knows what the weather will do to both teams. Does it change how I am going to watch the game, since there is a player and team I care about? The answer is no In addition, since this feels like the first year in awhile that we don’t have a wild card team that got hot in the playoffs and rides into the Superbowl, does this feel like what the actual Superbowl should be? The two best teams in the league? I am curious about what both of you think after this, honestly, fantastic playoffs we have had so far. So let’s hear from Jeremy and Jake.
P.S. Broncos 35 - Seahawks 21
Every time I type Super Bowl in my phone it comes up Super Bowel, and sometimes I wonder if it knows something more than I do. I mean on one hand its the pinnacle of all that is American Football, on the other hand its like an Academy Award’s hand job. THESE ARE THE BEST TEAMS IN THE WORLD, stroke stroke stroke. THESE PLAYERS ARE AT THE TOP OF THEIR GAME AND IN ELITE CONDITION, stroke stroke stroke. TODAY WE FIND OUT WHO IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE FOR THE 2013-2014 SEASON, stroke stroke STROKESTROKESTROKESTROKE STROKE stroke stroke stroke!
Ok that’s a lot of jerking off for something that is named the Bowel. Stay with me here for a minute. While the bowels are great at what they do at the end of the day they deal with a lot of shit. I think sometimes that’s what the super bowl is like, yeah yeah yeah we get it, they are great etc. I mean, who the hell calls themselves a fan of football and doesn’t get jazzed up about the Super Bowl, in so many ways it is fucking awesome. However, its a bunch of commercial shit too, like the whole pavilion thing in Times Square and all of that, its cool but holy hell.
Then there is the cold thing, OH WHY WOULD THEY ALLOW IT TO BE OUTDOORS WHERE FOOTBALL IS PLAYED AND DURING THE WINTER TIME DURING FOOTBALL SEASON!?! What’s the end game in this logic, no northern states get super bowls unless they are covered? Bullshit. This is a game of physicality and playing in weather and cold is a possible situation whenever the season gets into the cold months. Don’t want outdoor and cold weather Super Bowls? I hear Jai Lai could use some fans. Get the snow blowers out on the field, throw some heaters on the sidelines, and get the hell out there and play some football! Everyone gets concerned with the players in these conditions, which I think should have been squashed when the mediterranean climate 49ers came into the frozen tundra and pulled off a win. No one died and you know these guys can’t wait to play football. They are going to be so amped up to be a part of the sport’s biggest spectacle that they won’t be able to feel anything but their hearts about to beat out of their chests due to pure adrenaline. I’m not saying every single Super Bowl should be a cold one, but shit, can we please not whine about it when there is one?
Don’t get me started on the whole Roger Goodell watching it outside thing, quick question, how the hell is this news? This was a whole thing a couple of weeks ago. CBS Sports, USA Today, NY Daily News were all reporting how Roger Goodell is watching the game outside. Is his ass way more precious than the other roughly 82,000 fans that will also be outside? No, and who gives a shit where he watches it? The man makes bank and is responsible for many decisions in the NFL today, he can be in a box with a bottle of Lagavulin 30 year and each thumb up a striper’s asshole and I wouldn’t give two shits.
But Jeremy, you say, he’s on your side and he’s watching it outside and says yay for outdoor Super Bowls and he is making sure it isn’t a big deal to have a cold weather Super Bowl this year. Yeah, is he not making it a big deal, is he really? No, HEY EVERYONE I’M WATCHING IT OUTSIDE OK, BECAUSE IT ISN’T A BIG DEAL, THAT’S WHY I’M MAKING SURE SPORTS OUTLETS ARE COVERING THAT I’M WATCHING IT OUTSIDE OK EVERYONE, is not making sure it isn’t a big deal. Well you know what, he can’t have those strippers on the end of this thumbs anymore now can he? YOUR LOSS GOODELL.
Oh media day, why? I can understand that when the internet didn’t exist how this would be a thing that needed to happen. Let’s look at people answer questions! Uh, Hi, Mitch Cordial with CBS Sports news: “Peyton how great of a season was it this year? Hey Marshawn why don’t you talk to us? Mr. Sherman are you crazy or what’s the deal with that?” Who fucking cares, this shit goes on all season we already know Peyton’s favorite color, the Papa John’s pizza he loves the most, and how happy he is being a badass on the field and how happy he is that his fans and customers are two kinds of high. We have so much contact to the sports world that we don’t need this day anymore it isn’t necessary. Instead do a Google Hangout with the the members of the team or an “ask me anything” on Reddit so the fans can really get in there and make it interesting.
Let’s talk about Marshawn Lynch, but real quick. I respect the hell out of this player, when I got the ESPN text that he got fined for NOT talking to the media all season I damn near threw my phone across the room. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! WHO CARES THAT HE DIDN’T TALK TO THE MEDIA, GOOD ON HIM. Everyone bitches about these players wanting attention and being Divas, sup Neon Deion. And then if they dare to not talk to the media, that’ll be a fine. Bad form National Football League, more like the National Fineball League. If an NFL player doesn’t want to talk to the media so be it, because for every Marshawn Lynch there are two Richard Shermans.
So is my phone right? Is the Super Bowl REALLY the Super Bowel, yes it is. I mean its an impressive bowel, the kind that Kings dream of in their weekly sex orgies that get weirder and weirder as the years go on.
Meanwhile back on King Island…..Next week the king needs two goats, a parrot, a fat old woman, a fat young woman, two male or female Venezuelans, and an elderly woman from the Bronx, now he says you can you decide on the size of said woman but she must have hairy armpits, oh and make sure all of their bowels are clean.
Annnd... we are back. In reality is Super Bowel a fair name? I think so, but at the same time we all revel in its beauty and majesty. It’s a bowel that we can appreciate and love as though it were the greatest American bowel in all of existence. It’s a spectacle, it is a massive achievement, and its a huge game, but at the end of the day shit is going to flow and a winner will prevail so the world can crown a new leader in the greatest American sport.
Broncos - 34
Seahawks - 23
I’m worried about Jeremy, I think we need to put him on a 24 hour suicide watch, or at least maybe you should stop watching ESPN and listening to sports radio for awhile.
Is the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday yet? I mean, they spend more per commercial during the Super Bowl than what many cable networks spend on an entire series episode. Big Business USA has identified this to be as important as other holidays, and clearly more important than most (do you see them spending this much to continue to commercialize valentine’s day? no. Labor Day? no.) They all create special commercials just for this occasion, just like they do when they tell me Santa wants me to buy a Lexus. Let us have Monday as a nation each year to reflect on the great weekend that just was! It’s not like most of us are any use that day anyways. We just spent ten or more hours eating like its Thanksgiving and drinking like it is “the bender” all over again (that story should be told, Jesse!).
*I would like to get future jobs, so sadly no stories of “the bender.”
SB48. The ‘experts’ are drooling over this one and already hailing it as one of the best games ever played, or yet to be played ...as it is. It is the game that we all hoped for (once our rooting interests were knocked out of the playoffs) and it is exactly what some of us predicted in the preseason. We get “Record Setting Offense” against a Defense that in any other Era may be one of the greatest ever….. but I cannot get over thinking this will be more like those 1990’s Super Blowouts that were over hyped because everyone was ignoring what was (is) right in front of them. People: Peyton Manning has decoded the matrix and he was not even hiding that he did it. You know that he will come into this game hot and throw his wobbly ducks into the only windows that are available and we will all think it is magic. What you may not also realize is that the Broncos are a pretty good running team and their defense is not too shabby either. The Seahawks on the other hand, are feast or famine on offense and Wilson is inconsistent. They’re not winning games on his arm and cannot be expected to. When Manning gets rolling…. and he will… the Seahawks will not catch up. I see this as Broncos 27, Seahawks 20. However, I will not be surprised if it is 40-20 Broncos. For the sake of my own entertainment as I eat smoked briskets and drink cold beers, I hope that the front line of the Seahawks can harass Manning into quicker throws in which the ‘Hawks secondary has covered up so this one stays close enough to remain interesting. But what I really believe is that Manning will Omaha into several running plays throughout the game, not getting many yards but ripping valuable seconds off the clock while cataloging every counter-adjustment made by the defense. He’ll control the game, score when he needs to and prevent any hope of a miracle comeback by taking a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter. The Seahawks will get a junk TD or two but Manning will put them away and collect his trophy and secure that Legend Status.
Have you all watched the Lynch media day videos? For a guy not wanting to talk to the media or be in the limelight, dude has cornered the market and will cash in, win or lose. It’s a trainwreck but fun at the same time.
So, my official prediction: a feel good Manning-fest, with him legitimately winning MVP* and the game
27-20. Manning throws 4 TD’s and maybe a pick, but tops 300 yards.
*Rhodes got robbed back in SB41… 247 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT does not an MVP make… Rhodes was 21 for 113 and 1 TD with a long of 36. He was the difference in the game. Not Manning.